Have you ever wondered how a modern Jewish matchmaker makes a living? We’ll give you a hint: it’s a winding journey through several influential careers. Traditionally, matchmaking is a mitzvah, a good deed and a duty. But in today’s day and age, we expect jobs to be more time card punching and less passion. So a gifted matchmaker like Barbara Black Goldfarb had to find her way to her life’s calling by building a career that put community first …
With Barbara’s warmth and sense of humor, it was only a matter of time before she became the person-to-know in all these circles! She naturally built personal connections with all of these influential and impressive industry leaders. Her time with these men and women taught her two things:
She knew the need was there, but now she had the elite network to do something to help.
She’s trained to think big picture
What do a master’s degree in Health Services from the London School of Economics and matchmaking have in common? They both require you to think big picture. Barbara was trained to manage and improve business systems to help and heal people. Sounds an awful lot like running a boutique matchmaking business, doesn’t it?
Maybe she’s born with it …
… and maybe it’s destiny! All who meet Barbara say the same thing: she has a natural charisma and a unique human intuition.That’s akin to having the ‘it’ factor in the matchmaking world! The most important trait your matchmaker should have is that uncanny ability to bring soul mates together. You either have it or you don’t. And if our testimonials are anything to go by, Barbara has it.
Long story short, that’s how a highly educated medical professional made one of the best matchmakers southern Florida has seen in a long time! And you’ll get that same personability and intuition that attracted an elite network of clients to Barbara when you sign up for the highly personalized care Elegant Introductions offers. Matchmaking is far from dead! It’s just reinventing itself in the modern world.
MODERN JEWISH DATING – FINDING THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
Anyone who’s grown up in a home with strong religious traditions knows that some days it can seem more like a curse than a gift, especially when it comes to dating. Maybe it feels like a lot of pressure to date within a specific group, or maybe it feels like the rules are too strict to make it easy to get to know someone. Maybe you feel ill-equipped to tackle the modern dating world and all its “casual, label-less” mores. Or maybe you just feel trapped between the old world and the new.
The quickest way to free yourself from that rock-and-a-hard-place sensation is to change your mindset. You’re lucky enough to have two “worlds” to choose the best traits from and to build a love life that is multidimensional and fulfilling. Neither modern dating nor more orthodox courting is flawless in style, but both have a lot to offer. So here are our top picks for old-school Jewish dating techniques to bring into the modern era!
Don’t be afraid to take it seriously Modern dating is full of phrases like “want to chill?” Or “we’re just talking.” There seems to be some constant fear of admitting we’re looking for romance, and fear is the nemesis of open-mindedness and confidence. Traditionally, dates (even blind dates) were entered into with the understanding that both parties were looking for a life partner. This isn’t intended to put pressure on a date, but rather foster the sensation of freedom. Freedom from feeling like you can’t be the first one to show interest, or freedom from doubting the intentions of your date, or freedom to really be yourself. Think of it this way, dating with intention draws others with the same intentions to you. Even if they aren’t your forever match, they’re likely to treat you with the respect and open-mindedness a potential future partner deserves.
Second chances are in style again Most cultures with strong religious influences have some great tenants about second chances. These are excellent to use in the dating world, especially to combat the increasing short attention span of modern dating. As exciting as online dating is, it often comes with the mentality that there is always another match, maybe even a “better” match on the horizon, and we are quick to discard the present for the imagined. But so many factors can affect a first impression—dates can make people nervous, the wrong activity or setting can make things awkward, a bad day before can skew the experience—it’s unproductive to judge off of one experience alone. In geometry, any two points can make a line, but you need to have a least three points in a row to justify a pattern. We’re not saying disregard your instincts or red flags, but the traditional way of taking your time to form an opinion and giving several chances before you decide really helps us not miss out on someone amazing. And if you do decide they aren’t the right fit, communicate that directly and kindly. “Ghosting” is a modern tradition that should disappear as fast as the people who use it do.
Modesty is still classy Honestly, modesty never really went out of style. Just look at Meghan Markle’s modest glamour-look with her prince—modesty is classy, timeless, and features the person wearing the clothes rather than the clothes themselves. But it’s hard to master; it requires you to have a sense of self, an idea of your own style, and a confidence in presenting yourself to the world. Many people would rather dress in a way that distracts from themselves (for shock value or to emphasize their body) because it makes them feel less personally vulnerable. Presenting your best self on a date with modesty isn’t an old-fashioned technique, it’s merely an underutilized one.
Matchmakers are back and better than ever This is perhaps the ultimate example of both worlds working together. Jewish matchmakers are a longstanding tradition hearkening from a time when we lived in smaller communities where everyone knew everyone and common values, culture, and companions were abundant. It seemed like a much simpler dating era next to our increasingly complex modern dating world. And yet, the gift of the vast Internet and technology to widen our romantic horizons is wonderful! The beauty of modern matchmakers is that we can combine both: the power of technology and the intimacy of a small pool of select, compatible matches chosen by someone who knows you very well. That’s why our processspends so much time getting to know you, before we even begin digging through our databases of wonderful single people! Matchmakers can take the Internet of endless dating opportunities, and turn it into a simpler, more intimate dating experience—(with a much better success rate for finding a true life partner!)
No need to pick only one dating style or the other—older Jewish dating traditions absolutely have a place in the modern dating world. In fact, this brave new world could still learn a thing or two from the classic moves!
My husband has been deceased for 15 years. I’m looking for a new relationship, but every time I go on a date, I can’t help but compare everyone to my late husband. Do you have any advice for me? – Estelle H.
Dear Estelle,
It’s important not to compare your dates to anyone. No one is ever going to fill your late husband’s shoes. It’s important to stay in the present and find the qualities you’re looking for now in a potential partner. If your new partner meets those qualities, that’s a very good sign. You should certainly talk about your late husband. He was, after all, an important your life. But don’t frame this as a competition between your late husband and your new partner. Think of it as letting your partner get to know you better by learning about your life and your experiences. Do this, and you can have some very lovely new experiences awaiting you.
Got a dating or relationship question? Get expert advice from Nancy Gold, co-founder of Elegant Introductions. Aside from being a professional matchmaker with Elegant Introductions, Nancy is a psychologist who has been counseling individuals and couples for the past 25 years. If you have a dating or relationship question, just send it to social@jelegantintroductions.com and put Ask Nancy in the subject line. Be sure to include your full name and email address. (This is for verification only. To protect your privacy, we only use first names and initials online.) Nancy will be glad to answer as many questions as possible.
Believe it or not, Chanukah is right around the corner. The first candle will be lit December 6, a little more than a month from now. Why are we telling you this? Because, as Jewish matchmakers, we know that Chanukah is not just a time of joy and of giving; it’s also a great time for dating and meeting new people—if you have the right attitude and plan accordingly.
Many Jewish singles tend to write off their dating life in December, and pick it up again in January. That’s unfortunate, because the December holidays provide several wonderful opportunities to meet someone special. Many singles love going to Chanukah celebrations, because they’re always festive, and because even shy singles are never at a loss for conversation starters. You can go up to that cute guy you notice, and ask him anything from how he’s celebrating the holiday to how he likes his latkes. There’s less pressure than there is at more structured dating events, and this normally makes Jewish singles more at ease.
In its own way, even Christmas can be a prime time for Jewish singles. Many Jewish groups, synagogues and JCCs plan social events on or around Christmas Day. Still other Jewish organizations mark December 25 as a Day of Community Service. It’s a good idea to start looking for these events, and to plan on attending. (Many events fill up fast, to that’s another reason to start planning now.)
There are several online Jewish community event calendars that help make planning easier. The Greater Miami Jewish Federation, the Jewish Federation of Broward County, and the Jewish federations in Boca Raton and West Palm Beach, all have online holiday event listings—some created especially for Jewish singles. Just click on their links, find what interests you, and reserve your spot. Don’t even think too much about it. Go with the attitude that you’re going to have a good time, no matter what. Even on the off chance that you don’t have a good time, it’s just one event out of your life. You tried it and you made the effort. That’s all that matters. By far, the benefits of meeting new friends outweigh the chances of a bad time.
And when you’re at your holiday event, remember these simple tips:
Keep your conservation positive. When talking about yourself, or what you’ve been up to this year, focus on the highlights. We all have our down periods, but people you’re just meeting rarely want to hear about them. Save those for when you have a chance to know each other better.
Avoid talking about exes and past relationships. Wipe them out of your mind as if they don’t exist. Again, it’s the holidays. People who hardly know you want to hear about the positives. Focus any relationship conversation more on what you’re looking for now in a relationship. Keep it all about your present and your future.
Go easy on the drinking, and seek out others who are doing that, too. During the holidays, this can be easier said than done. But the hard truth is that almost nothing good ever comes from situations where you, or any prospective partners, drink too much. Have fun, of course, but know your limits.
In the long run, holiday dating is as much about attitude as it is about planning. If you really want to find a serious relationship, you have to train your mind to be positive, and to tell yourself that it’s going to happen. The trick is to do this confidently, so that all your outstanding attributes and self-confidence shine through.
Remember, if you need coaching and guidance, Elegant Introductions is here for you. Contact us so that we can share our expertise about opening your heart and your mind to the possibilities of meeting your special Jewish soulmate. With our help, you could be lighting the menorah with your new love next year.
I really want a relationship but I build a wall every time I get close to another person. Help! – Miriam G.
Dear Miriam,
Your thoughts are interfering with your heart. Try to examine what it is that is preventing you from moving forward when there’s a possibility of a new relationship. Is it fear of rejection, failure, or getting hurt? It’s very possible that your memories of past relationships are stopping you from forming new ones. You probably need to learn and practice new behaviors that may stop you from sliding into your familiar patterns. With the right attitude, this can be a fun and enlightening journey of self-discovery. When the next person comes along in your life, just take it slow. Build a strong friendship, and share your feelings before moving ahead with an intimate relationship. It can be scary to take this leap, but it’s well worth it.
Got a dating or relationship question? Get expert advice from Nancy Gold, co-founder of Elegant Introductions. Aside from being a professional matchmaker with Elegant Introductions, Nancy is a psychologist who has been counseling individuals and couples for the past 25 years. If you have a dating or relationship question, just send it to social@jelegantintroductions.com and put Ask Nancy in the subject line. Be sure to include your full name and email address. (This is for verification only. To protect your privacy, we only use first names and initials online.) Nancy will be glad to answer as many questions as possible.
When we saw this post in the Huffington Post, we couldn’t help but laugh. It was very much a laugh of familiarity. As matchmakers, we hear this from clients all the time: dating certainly has changed, and it’s not what it used to be.
But here’s a news flash: dating has never been easy. We sure remember what it was like. There were the blind dates that mostly turned out to be horrible. Then there were the dates who didn’t quite turn out to be as great as we thought they would.
Whether you’re used to the old school or new school of dating, we understand your frustrations. That’s why we work closely with you to find out about your history, your values, and what you expect to find in a partner. We are “old school” in one very important way. We carefully vet all our clients. Before you even meet your first date, you will get a true sense of who he is. We know that many singles miss that very much, and we’re bringing that kind of dating back.
Contact us today to find out more. And click here to find out what Huffington Post readers miss most about old-school dating. Do you agree? Tell us what you miss about old-school dating by commenting below. We would love to hear from you.
When it comes to dating, every single parent has questions and issues that go way beyond “will he like me,” or “are we a good match.”
Take author Michele Weldon, for example. First, she had to flee an abusive relationship. Then, her ex pretty much abandoned her three sons, leaving all parenting responsibilities to her. That would be enough for anyone, but there’s more: she was diagnosed with breast cancer. With all this on her plate, she could be excused for forgetting about dating. But she didn’t do that, and in her funny and honest new memoir, Escape Points, Michele shares her experiences of wading back into the dating scene, even with all her commitments and responsibilities.
In the book, she recounts the years in between the end of her abusive relationship, and her decision to finally start dating again. She writes: “It was easier to be alone. It was cleaner, less dangerous, less fussy, and it definitely made me less insecure. No heartache. I spent so many years without romance, filling up my life with my children and my work and every detail to keep it all afloat, and my needs receded. It was not even noticeable at first; I stopped wanting and figured that wasting my time mourning the loss of real affection was like ranting at a sunset or a rainstorm. When you let go of the need, the need lets go of you. Besides, I have had my heart broken open. So my heart opens only a little bit at a time.”
As a matchmaker, I coach many single parents. Most of the — especially ones whose previous marriage ended badly — go through the same motions that Michele did. They use their undoubtedly busy lives to cover up the loneliness lurking deep within them. When they realize this and start thinking about dating as a single parent, they’re afraid of getting their hearts so badly broken once more.
At Elegant Introductions, we understand the needs and concerns of single parents. It is our mission and privilege to give them everything they need to start dating again, even with their fears and life challenges. Contact us today and let us help you get started. If Michele Weldon can get back into dating as a single parent, so can you.
To read an excerpt of Michele’s new book, click here.
First dates. If you’re like most people, you prepare for them with a mix of anticipation and fear. I know. Not only am I a matchmaker who calms the first-date nerves of many singles, but I’ve also been on more than a few first dates myself. The nerves are quite understandable. Any time you open yourself to the possibilities of meeting someone new, there’s the risk of disappointment or rejection. Add on the idea that the person you’re about to go out with could be THE ONE, and those nerves can pile on tenfold.
For your date to be successful, though, you have to hold those nerves in check. Here’s the good news: this doesn’t have to be difficult. Here are some simple techniques to remember.
1. Pay attention to your breathing. I’m sure you’ve heard it before: just breathe. It sounds so simple, right? Sure, everybody breathes. But when it comes to relieving stress, very few people do it correctly. Before your date, take some deep breaths, and focus on the moment. This, in and of itself, will automatically calm you. You probably don’t want to be too obvious about deep breathing during your date, and that’s understandable. But even then, there are subtle ways to pay attention to your breathing. Many times, just by reminding yourself to breathe properly, you can guide yourself into remaining calm. If you’re not sure how to do it, here’s a terrific video from therapist and mental health specialist Kati Morton to guide you.
2. Less talking, more listening. For many singles, much of first date stress comes from worrying about what they’re going to say. I often tell my clients to say less and listen more. This helps for two reasons. First, if you talk a lot when you’re nervous, you’re more likely to say something you probably shouldn’t. But, maybe even more important, when you’re listening, you’re learning. The more you learn about your date, the more confident you become.
3. Make sure you’re comfortable with the atmosphere. On first dates—as in life—atmosphere is important. If you love the nightlife, you may be perfectly fine at a fancy restaurant or the newest, hottest nightclub for your first date. If you’re more restrained, coffee and a movie might be more your thing. Whether you’re the one suggesting the place, or you’re the one agreeing to it, it’s important to settle on a place where both you and your date will be comfortable. Whatever you do, avoid saying “yes” to a place just to please your date. If you’re uncomfortable, it will show—and it will not leave a good impression.
4. Dress for your date AND for yourself. Sure, you want to dress in a way that’s eye-catching for your date. But, when you’re thinking about what to wear, don’t forget about YOU. Beyond looking great, you also want to wear something that makes you feel comfortable and confident. When you look in the mirror, you want to look great and feel great. When you carry yourself confidently, it shows. Chances are, your date will notice. If he doesn’t, he’s probably not right for you, anyway.
5. Have a back-up plan. Sometimes, first dates don’t go well. It’s unfortunate, but it’s a part of life. But here’s a news flash: even after a terrible date, the world still goes on. If you think beforehand about a back-up plan, you can rest assured that, if all else fails, you can go to Plan B. It could be as simple as keeping your best friend on speed dial, so you know you can just call her up and say “You’ve won’t BELIEVE what just happened to me.” Some people even go as far as having friends come with them, placing them nearby just in case they have to give that friend a cue if the date’s going badly. You might call this passive-aggressive. I say it can be a form of dating survival. If having a back-up plan will ease your nerves, go ahead and make it.
By taking these techniques into consideration, you will survive any first date with your nerves, and your dignity, intact. And remember, if you are a single, Elegant Introductions is here to help you. Contact us today. Our mission is to match you with singles who want what you want—a successful, long-lasting relationship. We can help you reduce the stress of first dates—and of the entire dating process.
Nancy
Looking to relieve the stress of getting a first date? Start working with Elegant Introduction’s award-winning matchmakers, please contact us by filling out the form below.
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For so many people, just the thought of dating can bring on anxiety. But if you’re a single parent, there are so many other questions going through your mind. As a matchmaker, I hear them all the time from clients who want to date, but who are, first and foremost, parents concerned about how their children will react if mom or dad starts dating.
In today’s Huffington Post, comic Laura Lifshitz has a fantastic post on this subject. For her, the key is always keeping the bar high. She would love to find a mate, but she will never settle for someone who ranks far below her expectations. This, she believes, is one of the best examples she can set for her daughter. After all, if Laura sets the bar low, what’s to stop her daughter from doing the same thing when she grows up?
At Elegant Introductions, we pride ourselves with setting the bar high for all our clients. It’s never about just “settling.” It’s about taking the time to really get to know all our clients, and to make matches that meet, or even exceed, expectations.
If you’re a single parent who’s thinking about getting back into the dating scene, contact us today. Our goal is to match you with a single who will click not only with you, but with your kids as well. You would never want your kids to “just settle” when it comes to relationships. Why should you?
My husband died, but I’m thinking about dating. Is it too soon?
I went through a very painful divorce, but I’m thinking about dating. Is it too soon?
In my role as a matchmaker, I talk with many widows, widowers, and divorcees. Almost all of them ask the “is it too soon” question. The answer depends on so many factors. One of the big benefits of working with us at Elegant Introductions is that we take the time to really get to know all our clients. I love helping my clients find the answer to this question, and because I already know so much about them, I can guide them on this crucial discovery. It’s so wonderful to find a new love, especially after you’ve been through so much pain and loss. But in order to get to the point where you’re truly ready to take this journey, you should ask yourself many questions. Here are just a few of them.
Have I taken the time I need to deal with my loss? This is so important, because loss is painful, no matter the circumstances. Unfortunately, there’s no universal timetable for an answer. The important thing is that you take all the time you need. For some, it takes months. For others, it takes years. But it’s best to avoid getting back into the dating pool until you have taken the time you need. That leads to the next question.
Do I really want a new relationship, or am I on the rebound? This question takes lots of introspection. If you’re just looking for some fun times and companionship, it’s not necessarily a bad thing to be on the rebound. But if you’re looking for a serious relationship, this can be problematic. No matter what you’ve seen in so many movies, very few singles like being “the rebound date.” In other words, it may be fun for you, but not for your date. Almost certainly, your date will feel as though he’s being compared to your former husband. That comparison is very hard to overcome, and that leads to this question.
Do I still think constantly about my former spouse? It’s only human to think of your former husband frequently. After all, he was a major part of your life. But it’s a red flag if you still think about him even as you begin to date others. It’s not fair—to your date or to yourself—to put your date in competition with someone who obviously meant so much to you during your time together. If you answer “yes” to this question, it probably means that you need more time to deal with your loss before looking for another serious relationship.
Am I in competition with my ex? This is a huge question for divorcees. Divorce is painful enough as it is. On top of that, it almost always stings when you discover that your ex is the first one to start dating again. Often, this brings up feelings of grief and loss all over again. But if you’re thinking about dating just to get back at your ex, you should to take a serious pause. An “I’ll-show-my-ex” relationship is often fueled by revenge and jealousy—not exactly the strongest foundations for a lasting relationship. If you answer “yes” to this question, it’s another sign that you need to take more time for yourself before you think of seeing someone else. Depending on the connections you still have with your ex, you may indeed have to swallow your pride when you see him with someone else. But dating should never be a competition—and this is especially true after a divorce.
As these questions indicate, this journey of self-discovery takes a great deal of introspection. Elegant Introductions is here to help you on this journey. We’ve helped so many divorcees, widows, and widowers find out that they can indeed find meaningful relationships once more. Contact us today and let us show you how we can help you.
