The Art of creating Chemistry

Art of creating chemistry

The Art of creating Chemistry…

… and we say art because calling it a science would be too easy! Besides, “science” implies measurable results and a systematized technique.  There are no such guarantees or simple instructions for the romantic kind of chemistry. But an “art” is the conscious use of a skill acquired by experience and a little creativity (thanks Merriam-Webster!), and that’s exactly what it takes to create chemistry on a date. With a little practice, a little creativity, and the guidelines from our professional matchmakers, you’ll be able to build chemistry in no time!

First impressions first – be warm and approachable

For science nerds, first impressions stem from one of the most fundamental parts of the brain, the amygdala.  Essentially, this means they are instinctual, directly tied to emotional motivations, and almost impossible to override. So send the message that you are a warm, caring person who is approachable. Yes, dating can feel like risking rejection, which can make you feel shy, scared, or defensive—we understand! But those emotions do you no favors, and often can unintentionally read as coldness.  After all, your date is risking just as much as you are, and being brave enough to smile or be friendly will put your date at ease.

Build on Encouragement

So you’ve already nailed the first impression, now you build on that.  Encouraging your date to open up, be genuine, and have fun requires active listening.  It’s more than just compliments. It’s noticing what topics excite your date, learning what lights them up, and finding out what really matters to them.  Rather than trying to impress, be engaged in your partner and that will make them feel valued.  Not only that, studies show that getting to talk about themselves releases dopamine in your date’s brain, while positive social experiences release oxytocin…

Let the emotional chemistry lead to the physical chemistry

Now you’ve got the dopamine and oxytocin flowing! Why does this matter? Because dopamine is a chemical credited with creating the feeling of attraction between humans, and oxytocin is the “bonding” chemical found in long-term relationships.  The physical experience of chemistry often stems from positive emotional bonding experiences, thanks to these neural reward pathways! Or with less science, think of physical chemistry like frosting and emotional chemistry like cake. Cake without frosting is boring, but frosting without cake is unfulfilling and empty calories!

Strive to bring out the best in your date

All the previous tips should naturally lead to this.  Being approachable makes your date feel welcome and at ease.  Encouraging them by being engaged and interested makes them feel desired and bonded.  Two things usually happen in response to this: first, your date will instinctually match your behavior and repay the encouragement and warmness in kind, and second, you might just realize what an incredible person you have across the table!  Want someone passionate? Watch them talk about their passions! Want someone driven or exciting?  Listen to them share about what motivates and excites them. To bring out the best, you must see the best; it’s that simple. And they just might return the favor!

Have fun and be open

Lastly and most importantly, stay open-minded and genuine! No date, and no human is perfect, but love is still an incredible experience that naturally finds its way out of our imperfections. Most of the success stories our professional matchmakers hear were “surprising” (at least to the client!).  So stay open, because who might light you up may not be who you expect.  And have fun! Because everyone wants to date someone fun to be around and open-minded.

Foolproof Date Conversation Topics

Foolproof Date Conversation Topics

Foolproof Date Conversation Topics (and ones to avoid…)

When asking about the weather just isn’t enough, and asking about politics is a little too much, it can be hard to find the sweet spot for fun, engaging conversation starters. Luckily our expert matchmakers have you covered.

If you didn’t have a great date right now, what would you be doing? What does your dream weekend look like?  Your dream job?

Notice the common denominator? All those questions are different ways of asking about what they love to do.  Whether it’s career, hobby, or travel related, get your date talking about what they love! Not only will you get your date animated and excited to talk, but you will also discover what their values, priorities, and interests are.

Tonight is fun for me because…

Be positive and appreciative. Bonus points if you find something to appreciate in your date!  Focusing on the positive is the easiest way to make a date a good experience instead of a Tinder horror-story. And getting specific about what you appreciate helps you recognize what you’re looking for in a date, and eventually in a relationship.

Wow, that must be very difficult…

Empathy and compassion are the long-lost arts of dating.  They are the best way to build trust and the best way to bridge the gap between dating and a long-lasting relationship. Listen with your whole body to your date, absorb what they are telling you, and respond without making it about you. Even if it’s not a “love connection,” remember that dating is hard for everyone and you’re both in it together. Give as much patience and understanding as you would like in the messy world of dating!

DON’T dwell on the past

Past relationships, experiences, and loved ones may have been formative for you, but a date is about who you are now and who you want to be.  When you dwell on the past, it gives the impression those people or experiences are dominating your present.  Your date should be focusing on you, not on your exes or your children or your crazy relative.

DON’T complain or be judgmental

We’ve all had that terrible date who was rude to a waiter or couldn’t stop complaining about the food, the décor, the weather… Negativity while dating reads as a personality trait and a precedent for what your date can expect from a relationship with you. On top of that, the more you complain the more your brain will fixate on each complaint, distracting you from the good.

Matchmaking is about so much more than just getting two compatible people in a room together. It’s about helping them see the best in each other, and helping them show the best of themselves, so any connection formed is real and lasting.

Why you shouldn’t write off dating during December

As many of you read this, you are preparing for the holidays.  Or you’re busy holiday shopping, or readying to welcome snowbirds from up north, or thinking about New Year’s resolutions. Maybe, if you’re a professional multi-tasker, you’re doing all of the above.

But one thing you are probably not doing is dating. Many singles tend to write off their dating life in December, and pick it up again in January. That’s too bad, because you could be missing out on some wonderful opportunities to meet someone special.  As matchmakers, we’re here to tell you that the holiday season is really a wonderful time for dating.

Take, for example, your friends’ holiday celebrations. Many singles love them, because they’re always festive, and because even shy singles are never at a loss for conversation starters. You can go up to that cute guy you notice, and ask him anything from how he’s celebrating the holidays. There’s less pressure than there is at more structured events, and this normally makes singles more at ease.

Here are some other useful tips for meeting singles at holiday events.

  • Go with the attitude that you’re going to have a good time, no matter what.Especially if you’re going to a party where others are bringing partners or spouses, you could get down on yourself for not having a significant other. Do your best to avoid thinking like that. Think about the many blessings you already have in your life. That lends itself to a good attitude. Our research suggests a positive and joyous attitude is one of the greatest points of attraction.
  • Keep your conservation positive. When talking about yourself, or what you’ve been up to this year, focus on the highlights. We all have our down periods, but people you’re just meeting rarely want to hear about them. Save those for when you have a chance to know each other better.
  • Avoid talking about exes and past relationships. Wipe them out of your mind as if they don’t exist. Again, it’s the holidays. People who hardly know you want to hear about the positives. Focus any relationship conversation more on some of the things you enjoy doing with others. Keep it all about your present and your future.
  • Go easy on the drinking, and seek out others who are doing that, too. During the holidays, this can be easier said than done. But the hard truth is that almost nothing good ever comes from situations where you, or any prospective partners, drink too much. Have fun, of course, but know your limits.

In the long run, holiday dating is as much about attitude as it is about planning. If you really want to find a meaningful relationship, you must train yourself to be positive, and to tell yourself that it’s going to happen. The trick is to do this confidently, so that all your outstanding attributes and self-confidence shine through. That’s the second criteria our research suggests. Confidence is also one of the greatest attractions for singles.

The bottom line is, keep your mind open to all possibilities. You can invite a special someone to join you at one of the many new holiday movies out there. Or maybe a pleasant beach stroll if you have holiday vacation time. You get the picture.

With the right perspective, any season is the right season for finding a soulmate. So, don’t write December off. There’s still a chance that, when 2018 rolls around, you can start the year off with a promising new relationship.

We hope you are having a happy and joyous Chanukah!

Love,

Barbara and Nancy

 

 

 

 

Our top 5 tips for dating success

There are few things in life that are as exciting, or as nerve-wracking, as dating – especially when you’re just getting to know someone. So many things go through your mind: Will he find me attractive? Will she think I’m interesting? Can I get through the date without spilling something? All these come into play – as well they should.

As matchmakers, we have the privilege of hearing about many first dates from our clients. One of the things we’ve learned is that it’s sometimes easy to take dating for granted. This causes some people to do things they would never do on, say, a job interview.

So, in our hopes of making you a little less nervous on your next date, here are our 5 tips for basic dating etiquette. They’re gleaned from what our clients tell us, so we speak from experience.

  1. Be on time. – This shows that you’re organized and considerate of other people’s time. On the other hand, very few things can sour a first impression more than being late. Do you like waiting for people with no explanation? Neither does your date. At the very least, call or text with a heads-up if you know you’re running behind – and even then, you should have a solid estimate of when you’ll get there. Nowadays, with so many ways of easy communication, there’s no excuse for not doing this. And speaking of easy communication…
  2. Keep your phone off. – When you’re on a date, focus on your date; not on your work emails, or your calendar, or a jillion other things that easily distract you. Sure, you’re successful and important, and people depend on you. But guess what? Unless you’re a brain surgeon on call for emergencies, chances are your messages can wait.
  3. Talk less, listen more. – Remember, when you’re on a date, you’re very much on a fact-finding mission – and if you talk a lot, you’re not finding anything out about your date. Granted, some people are naturally outgoing, while others are shy. This is where questions become a trusted tool for success. Ask questions, look him in the eye, and listen. This gives him the respect he deserves – and it gives you the information you deserve as you determine whether you are right for one another.
  4. Treat the wait staff with respect. – How you treat wait staff says a lot about your attitude and values. Of course, if the service is bad or they bring the wrong food, you should speak up. But even here, it’s best to be firm and calm. No yelling or name-calling. Show your date that you’re kind, you have a big heart, and that you can handle slip-ups with class.
  5. Go with a positive attitude – and just have fun! It’s a date – not a commitment. You hope it goes well, but even if it doesn’t, what is it but just a few hours out of your life? If you see a boring movie, that, too, is time you won’t get back. But does that mean the date was boring? Of course not! It’s the same with dating. If you have the right frame of mind, you’ll discover that all dates have advantages. If you already feel it’s not a good fit, you may be surprised at other connections or positive outcomes you may have with this person. At the very least, you will meet someone unique and special just like you. Just kick back and enjoy.

With these tips, you drastically improve your chances of a positive date. That’s good, because you’ll continue using them in a new relationship. After all, if you’re positive, calm, thoughtful, respectful, and a good listener, those qualities will certainly help you when you engage in a new relationship.

 

 

 

When it comes to dating, trust yourself more and question yourself less

Questions. Life is full of them, and many of us were rightly taught to always ask questions.  We’re encouraged to ask questions, both to fortify our minds, and to gain a better understanding of the world around us.

These are always good questions: Do I want to have more children? Am I satisfied with my life? You should ask yourself these questions—at least occasionally. But when you constantly question yourself to the point where it becomes difficult to see things clearly, that’s a big red flag.

For singles, this constant questioning can do more to hurt a relationship than to help it. Say, for example, that you and your date were planning a romantic candlelight dinner. Then he calls you that afternoon, profusely apologizes, and says he has to work late. Sure, you’re disappointed. But how do you handle that? Are you supportive and understanding – or do all these questions start taking space in your head? Is it me? Does he really want to go out with me? Has he found someone else?

As long as he doesn’t make this type of thing a habit, it’s probably just one of those things he couldn’t avoid. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Over-questioning can lead to a lot of insecurity. You start doubting yourself unnecessarily. This isn’t good for you, or your relationship.

So, how do you stop over-questioning? Here are some powerful and practical tips I’ve learned over the years.

  • Pause and take a deep breath. When it comes to taming irrational questions, just a few deep breaths can work wonders. No matter how busy you are, just stop for a few minutes. Close your eyes, and breathe deeply. If you can get yourself to a calm, relaxing room, or maybe even take a little walk on the beach, that’s even better. You’ll think much more clearly—often in a surprisingly short amount of time.
  • Replace unhealthy questions with healthy ones. This tip works especially well if you’re analytical by nature. Go back to the same scenario above. Your man cancels your romantic dinner because he’s working late. If your mind automatically goes to what’s wrong with me, stop for a moment and think of smart questions to ask yourself. Does he do this often? No. Does he have a crazy-busy job? Yes. Wasn’t it just last weekend when he looked me in the eyes and told me how special I was? Yes. By replacing your irrational thoughts with reasoning based in actual reality, you gain keen insight and focus. Even more important, you stop doubting yourself.
  • Call your best, most rational friend. You know, the one you can always count on for spot-on advice. Call her (or him.) Chances are, your pal will tell you (in a friendly way) how ridiculous you’re being. Really, they aren’t telling you anything you don’t already know, but hearing this from someone you respect, love, and trust can be just what you need.
  • Practice being in the now—and keep practicing every day. Just like your body needs exercise to stay healthy, so does your brain. In fact, physical activity is great for your brain as well as your body. There are many other methods: yoga, meditation, daily affirmations, and mindfulness exercises, just to name a few. Pick the method that feels right to you, and stick with it. When you train yourself to focus on the reality of the present, you become much better at fending off self-defeating questions in the first place.

It’s all about learning to trust yourself more, and question yourself less. It takes practice, but it’s more than worth it. Think about it. You’re probably a pro at trusting your instincts when it comes to other areas of your life. It doesn’t have to be different when it comes to dating.

Of course, if you could use some guidance in learning to trust yourself, contact us. You are not alone. Dating can easily bring up uncertainty and insecurities in just about anyone. By taking the time to get to know you, we’ll help you gain the confidence you need to navigate the dating world successfully.

Nancy

Dating Tips: Are You Too Unrealistic?

Q & A: Am I being too rigid and unrealistic?

If your list of qualities for a potential suitor is longer than your average grocery list, then chances are you’re being too rigid. While it’s good to have what you want in mind, focus on the most important qualities — such as the core values you want your partner to have — and allow some wiggle room to give you the best chance at finding someone who will excite you and sweep you off your feet.

No one special in your life? We make the matches that matter! For more information, call Nancy and Barbara at Elegant Introductions at 305-615-1900 or contact us today. Read more dating tips on our blog at JElegantIntroductions.com/blog.

Dating Tips: Age Differences

Q & A: What is realistic for me to be looking for — I’m 65 and don’t want to date anyone older than me: Am I wrong?

When it comes to dating, rigid rules about age differences are rarely conducive to positive experiences. What matters most is if your goals and core values (honesty, reliability, kindness, views on family, etc.) are similar enough, how you feel in each others social circles, your views on things like intimacy, and how your psychological ages compare.

At Elegant Introductions, we take the time to get to know you and find out what you need and want in a relationship before we match you with anyone. To read more dating tips and to learn more about Elegant Introductions, call Barbara and Nancy today at 305-615-1900 or contact us for more information.

Dating Tips: Start Fresh

Q & A: How do I throw out my old list and start fresh?

Old lists tend to be a product not just of what we think we want, but also from our upbringing, our peers and the media we consumed at the time, among other factors. It’s easy to accept all these things and let them affect our predispositions without noticing, but to find someone to really make you feel great inside, you have to stay focused on yourself and your own happiness. Don’t make your list revolve on the opinions of what others (be it close friends or distant media outlets) say you should want — make it consistent with your desires and your values. It’s your life and your relationship.

To read more dating tips and to learn more about Elegant Introductions, call Barbara and Nancy today at 305-615-1900 or contact us for more information