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Rip up your soulmate list and zip open your heart!

When you're dating, let your heart guide you in finding your soulmate.
When you’re dating, let your heart guide you in finding your soulmate.

When it comes to dating and finding your soulmate, you probably have a list of what you’d consider perfection. There’s nothing wrong with this. Just about everyone has visions of that “perfect 10.”

At their best, these lists tell you a lot about yourself and your desires. But at their worst, they can be very limiting. Yes, when it comes to dating, knowing what you want CAN be too much of a good thing. I’ve spoken to many clients who automatically cast someone off if they are not a 100 percent match. Not surprisingly, they are the ones who have the hardest time finding that special someone. Because their wish list is so rigid, very few people can pass. And even then, that someone must feel just as strongly about them. It’s easy to see why the odds of finding lasting love are stacked against them.

That’s why I often tell clients to rip up their lists. That’s right – toss them aside. It’s a bit of tough love, but tough love can be a very good thing. It forces you to open yourself to new discoveries and possibilities. With that in mind, here are some good reasons to rip up those lists when you’re dating:

  1. You begin to understand yourself. Nobody’s perfect — including you. Being less rigid leads to being much more realistic about yourself and the world around you.
  2. You discover the difference between wants and needs. Sure, you’d like a “perfect 10.” Who wouldn’t. But do you really need a perfect 10? What about shared values? Or feeling as comfortable with your partner as you do with your favorite pair of slippers? Or the joy of considering your partner your best friend? While physical attraction is important, don’t be so blinded by it that you lose sight of these much more important things.
  3. You realize that your wants and needs change with age and experience. Hopefully, what you look for in your 20s changes as you age. Maturity allows you to look at life with a new set of lenses – and you’re much more likely to do that by ripping up your list.
  4. You learn to be more open. Picture this. You’re on a date and you’re really clicking with this new person – except you don’t like their hair. Remember, they can change their hairstyle. Or maybe you think they could lose a few pounds. That can happen, too. The point is, these are trivial things. And if you let them get in the way of becoming more serious with this person, you could very well be losing out on the love of your life. When you do away with your list, you soften your eyes and look through your heart. That’s what we mean when we say, “I love you with all my heart.”

Isn’t that what you really want? When you open your heart, it’s much easier to have a positive attitude when you’re on a date. People respond to how they feel when they’re in your company, so you’re much more likely to make a positive connection when you have a positive attitude.

So many couples tell me that their partner was not what they had in mind from the start. Yet, they put aside their list and opened themselves to someone a little different. That’s often the way the heart works. And listening to your heart is almost always a good bet on the road to love.


Dr. Nancy



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